H,
I remember the first day of
our first awakening. It was like walking in sunlight. All the sickness and
tragedy in the world made sense. Lines were drawn and boundaries understood. It
felt like we could speak into the darkness and conjure up some light. It did
not last. It was not supposed to. The heady days of finding your path must give
way to the drudgery of everyday living. We are not to live above people but
with them. We are not sent out to live in a bubble but in the world.
This is how we fell down. We
did not understand it. We thought the awakening was a drug and we had to feel a
certain way all the time or something was wrong. We thought it made us immune
from the plague of this fallen state. It has taken us years to find those feet
again. It should be that way, I think. We are not here to be super human. The human
part is always the key. We are here to, as our other fellow mad man once said, “Perfect
falling, and perfect failure.” We craved for material and spiritual flourishes.
We got none of that.
I guess you have to die to
live. A certain kind of date precedes every awakening. There is something about
our programming that needs constant shocks to the system to get it humming
along at anything but a middling pace.
I am making this too gloomy.
I am sorry. It is not depressing at all. We are out in the wilderness for a few
years but that is fine. Most people will bear a lifetime time of loneliness for
twenty final years of true and open love. We might call that silly and
desperate. The silly and the desperate have something on us. They are crawling
on the crumbs. They know the bread we are all looking at is false. They know
the bread of life has since transfigured into heavenly spaces. They suspect he
may have left some crumbs here.
Okay, that still sounds
gloomy. Hehehe. But it is not at all that bad. I am being too much of a writer
about it. I am seeing the world as a Darwinist. It is full of terror and the
only point is survival. There is a real joy in the world. I struggle to
reconcile it with the deep pain in the world but there is a joy in it. We don’t
know it all. This is fine for now. There is a permanent solution we believe in
and that rests in joy. We do not yet know how this will all work out. This is
fine for now.  After all, we are just
waking up again.