M,
In those incredibly dark moments of what could be called my ‘romantic life’, before you, of course, I had this nagging idea that I would be alone for the rest of my life. I thought this was the calling on me, and my failures at love seemed to suggest this, and that i would never be able to be open to anyone in any real way. There are traces of that in me, now, scars that are easily wounds again and a crippling fear that my true and honest self could not accepted by human arms. You see this is in me, sometimes; the holding back, the closing up, the mumbled energy and the uncertainty i can bring forth with my actions. It is not a lack of something in you but a lack of something in me. I am still learning to love without fear.
It is not that there is something dramatic in the past. I do not look back at any particular person or time with desire or hope. I am in the best spell of love that has ever existed for me. I am content, i am full and i am in joy. At least, in theory. At least, this is what my heart knows. There remains, still, this aching fear that a)i will mess up royally or b)this is all a cruel ruse and God will soon take it all from me and tell me: “this is love. Love is pain.”
Bad Ja rule album aside, i cannot shake either fear and i live in this shadow of happiness punctuated by these ideas of falling. I am not worried, though. We are only in class. The exam is written and passed. We are learning but only to understand how the test was passed for us. We are becoming the person we already graduated life. I do not sit and wonder if I will get better. I know I will. It is written. It is sure.
Loving you will be one of the grandest lessons i will ever learn. And I like that class. I want to spend a lot time learning to do that properly and without fear.