H,
The very idea of God or gods
is an issue of much modern debate. They are all sorts of strong arguments for
and against the idea of being, creation and evolution. Some claim science can
prove God and others, a vast vocal majority it seems, claim science can make it
work the other way.
I have never been interested
in either, to be honest. It seems to me beyond science to explain all of nature
to the point of eliminating wholly the idea of a unifying God. Conversely, the
idea of God and what man thinks He is has seen the use of brutality to pursue
His supposed aims through history and across religions.
I did not start believing in
God and for a very long time religion did not speak to me on any level. I did
not consider this odd because I was not rebelling against it. I had enough of
it shoved down to the core of me that I was going to do the dance and collect
the other prize that was not hell at the end of the day. There was fear but
there was no love or real belief. A great what if, as if that could save, was
put out to me: what if you are wrong about nothing being eternal? Is it not
better to live a ‘good’ life and then die with a sense of purpose? That always
seemed like a stupid response to me. Faith seemed intense and immersive. Passive
worship was not going to work and I knew it.
Yet there was something
inside. A question about the source of everything and the very meaning of life.
I became a seeker of rules to live by. I consumed bite sized ideas of
Aristotle, Voltaire, Wilde, Hemingway and a host of others about the sort of person
I ought to be. I thought of being one thing and then another. I could not keep
up with any of my personas because they did not fit into the large hole inquiry
was digging in me. I knew I had a soul, there was something ethereal and
immaterial about life, but I did not know where it fit.
When I finally arrived at
the idea of God I had been speaking to Him all along. I had been having these
conversations into thin air but there is no real vacuum in the time and space
of which I speak. I was always hitting up against something. It was a soft
landing because I had been descending all long. I was at ground level at the
providential time and fell into the light with all my being ready to be
explained.
Now, this should not
conclude with the impression that I have found all the answers. The curious
thing about science and faith is that they both need that sense of humility
when looking up. We do not have all the answers. We are a family in search of
what truth is. We have to be honest seekers or we are false prophets of both
beliefs.

I still haven’t found what I
am looking for, the crooner said. I heard it in the eighties or earlier
nineties. I could not have been up to ten years old but it stuck in my mind
long enough to come back when I had big questions. It is the soundtrack of my
pilgrim’s progress and process. I sing it all the time from the deep reaches of
my soul. I know the answer to the big question of my soul: there is a God at
the centre of the universe. I once wished it wasn’t so. I wanted it all to be
absurd and arbitrary. I wanted to write my own book. That did not work out. But
I still haven’t found what I am looking for. I am still confounded by tragedy
and holes in times and space and the very idea of love. I still haven’t found
what I’m looking for. But I am still looking. Up.