From
Mathew 6:8-12
           
H,
Today is that terrible day when I remember someone who died a bit too soon. It is not the anniversary of his death but of his birth. It has been on my mind all week and a cloud hung over me. I did not know why until the thing hit me hard. I had to resurrect my old letters to you.                                                                                                                                                                                                     
I do not think I have yet broken down over the event. It is still in stealth mode, this pain I ought to feel. For I have lost something. A friendship – and everything has to be a friendship to truly work – has gone to places I do not know. The “ever after” is a strange concept to an earth walker. What does it do for me in the now? All the good stuff has this warranty in tiny print that says you cannot touch it or live it out fully until you cross over to that other side. Well, I do not know how I feel about that today.                                                                                                                                                                             
The thing that stings the most is how much you take for granted, the moments that should be termed eternal. Male camaraderie is full of all this “e go be” and “later” and “sup”. It is full of feckless criticism and hard looks at pointless things and then death comes and the bottom of the thing gives way. I am rambling on but I think I am trying to say I should have been kinder to him. I am trying to say I miss him desperately.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     
It was the first thought in my head today. I mumbled on in prayer but the verse above hit me in new ways. Do we ever truly know what we need? Do we know what will fulfill and what will frustrate? We are in the dark and a light comes and tells us this and then we wander into the light and then we compete to be “mature” and to know the words so we can sing the song. The song is for the tone deaf and melody free. It is for the open hearts and empty heads that cannot remember the words anymore but want to be filled daily with something new. It is for those who are not afraid to be clueless in a world of fake clues and answers. Not forever, just for a bit. Until He comes and breaks into song with us and we learn to learn it all in the flow of eternal love.