H,
We carry our damage around with us.
It is right there in how we fight and how we love. The foundational
years and the vital years come together to create a monster in us we must learn
to resolve. People who love us will suffer from this monster the most, and we
will suffer from theirs as well. We must come to an armistice, surrender these
famed weapons of survival, and give in to the vulnerable and uncomfortable
parts of love as much as we give in to the thrilling and powerful parts of
love.
It is right there in how we fight and how we love. The foundational
years and the vital years come together to create a monster in us we must learn
to resolve. People who love us will suffer from this monster the most, and we
will suffer from theirs as well. We must come to an armistice, surrender these
famed weapons of survival, and give in to the vulnerable and uncomfortable
parts of love as much as we give in to the thrilling and powerful parts of
love.
It is like that old epigram about parents etched in an Oscar Wilde play
and all that sardonic underpinning. It goes something like: “Children start by
loving their parents; after a while, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they
forgive them.” What kind of parents are we now? And what is left to forgive
from the parents we had? The answer to both may be “everything”.
and all that sardonic underpinning. It goes something like: “Children start by
loving their parents; after a while, they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they
forgive them.” What kind of parents are we now? And what is left to forgive
from the parents we had? The answer to both may be “everything”.
In the first we carry the new-fangled ideas of being cool and not like
the past, but we are prone to impatience, to shutting down loud voices and to
applying discipline out of anger or fear or both rather than love. In the second,
we can now admit, apart from actual abuse, and we did not have that, we have
human parents and not Olympian gods. They were damaged and they passed that on
too. Time to forgive.
the past, but we are prone to impatience, to shutting down loud voices and to
applying discipline out of anger or fear or both rather than love. In the second,
we can now admit, apart from actual abuse, and we did not have that, we have
human parents and not Olympian gods. They were damaged and they passed that on
too. Time to forgive.
And in all this, today is the Ancient’s 66th. Well, it would
have been. I have been having dreams about him. I have been trying to resolve
my feelings of this great loss when I sleep and not when I am awake. I do not
want hugs or tears or pictures about. I want to be in a room with him again. To
not be annoyed by his small failings, and they are small in retrospect of death
and eternity, and to hold in my mind all the stories and all the laughter and
all that furious joy. Love is the resolution of all this damage and eternity is
the place where all love is fulfilled.
have been. I have been having dreams about him. I have been trying to resolve
my feelings of this great loss when I sleep and not when I am awake. I do not
want hugs or tears or pictures about. I want to be in a room with him again. To
not be annoyed by his small failings, and they are small in retrospect of death
and eternity, and to hold in my mind all the stories and all the laughter and
all that furious joy. Love is the resolution of all this damage and eternity is
the place where all love is fulfilled.