From psalm 18 verses 1-5
Hey h,
I feel like it is always a genuine terror to wake up. Dreams
are such an escape and since I rarely have nightmares, they are safe places to
hide from the ugly shadow of the world. I know you think I do not like to face
things. You are right. I would be asleep. I would rather dream.
are such an escape and since I rarely have nightmares, they are safe places to
hide from the ugly shadow of the world. I know you think I do not like to face
things. You are right. I would be asleep. I would rather dream.
I know I cannot live that way. I woke up today from a
tangled web of sleep that included lusty hopes and limited quasi-happiness. I have
always had an ‘other’ sense about me. A genuine idea that I was more than my
name and more than the space, considerable right now, I take up in the world. That
this is just a shell of me, a covering, some sort of weak armor, a conduit for
what I have to say to the world and I know that sleeping through life is not
the solution to finding who I truly am in this mass of flesh and terror.
tangled web of sleep that included lusty hopes and limited quasi-happiness. I have
always had an ‘other’ sense about me. A genuine idea that I was more than my
name and more than the space, considerable right now, I take up in the world. That
this is just a shell of me, a covering, some sort of weak armor, a conduit for
what I have to say to the world and I know that sleeping through life is not
the solution to finding who I truly am in this mass of flesh and terror.
To be sure, as a Christian, my identity comes from
Christ. This is why I have the attempts at kneeling and the scripture above. I am
no poster boy for what that is. I am too much in repair for anyone to look at
me and say I am salt of anything and light of anywhere. In pride, I guess, I am
surprised by my sinfulness. I am upset and discouraged by my major faults. I regret
many things. Yet all that regret makes me unable to stop dreaming and start
living. They are like a pre-destined noose around my neck and the more I strain
the more I choke and the more I fall into the death of soul and spirit that
comes from merely dreaming. It is that thing about hope that is endless; it
breaks the heart. I need to wake up; H and I hope you can see this. All this is
doing me no good. As my sponsor you may have to listen to some ugly things but
be rest assured that all of this is recovery and not a relapse.
Christ. This is why I have the attempts at kneeling and the scripture above. I am
no poster boy for what that is. I am too much in repair for anyone to look at
me and say I am salt of anything and light of anywhere. In pride, I guess, I am
surprised by my sinfulness. I am upset and discouraged by my major faults. I regret
many things. Yet all that regret makes me unable to stop dreaming and start
living. They are like a pre-destined noose around my neck and the more I strain
the more I choke and the more I fall into the death of soul and spirit that
comes from merely dreaming. It is that thing about hope that is endless; it
breaks the heart. I need to wake up; H and I hope you can see this. All this is
doing me no good. As my sponsor you may have to listen to some ugly things but
be rest assured that all of this is recovery and not a relapse.
We always speak of those early days of glory where God
seemed to walk with us in every step. Then it seemed like the great drought
appeared and growing up seemed like falling down. I think now that the walk
became natural. It is not a drought as much as it is being made up into
something. A change of diet from milk to meat. A dose of radiation to fight the
cancer of sin. Or maybe this is just what it feels like to finally wake up into
God.
seemed to walk with us in every step. Then it seemed like the great drought
appeared and growing up seemed like falling down. I think now that the walk
became natural. It is not a drought as much as it is being made up into
something. A change of diet from milk to meat. A dose of radiation to fight the
cancer of sin. Or maybe this is just what it feels like to finally wake up into
God.
Amen.