H,
This may be with us for a
while: doubt. There is this silly idea that we must never doubt anything. It is
not true. We will doubt everything. The more we see ourselves in the light the
more we are aware of all that former darkness. To believe that evil is darkness
receding is fine but to not be honest enough to wonder why it is so strong in
the first place is covering up the places where growth is needed. A closed up
wound is out of sight but festering.
My prayers nowadays, as
little as they may be, are all around doubt. I keep wondering about everything
we know, we think we know, everything we heard in the secret garden of words,
everything we think we heard. I wonder about the slaughter of innocents, the
horrible acres of war on the planet, the terrible hurt children suffer and the
illness in the human spirit that makes all this possible. It is easier and much
more profitable in the secular and spiritual worlds to ignore what is bad and
focus on what is good. Personal stories and familial progress can cover up the
true horror that is human history, the present state of many souls suffering
and the future that seeks to advance the good story over the real story. We are
constantly looking for hallmarks, heroes, exemplars, neat endings and tales of
progress. When we hit the great stone of all stones, when we come face to face
to something we cannot explain, then we fall back to the old rhetoric of
change, the old mantra about choice and the curious logic of the dialectic over
the humane. We put things in perspective so it looks like the dark is not
winning.
These are all thoughts of my
doubt and I know the dark is not winning. I just wish I could connect with what
He says. I wonder what She thinks of the world and how much She still cries
over it. I wonder that They think about my doubt.