H,
We seem to keep going back to the same place. I know this sounds like a lack of progress but I do not think it is. For one, all our ideas of progress are material. They do not add up in the light. They are hallmarks and milestones made out of the need to see movement rather than advancement. It is much easier to move around than to actually walk in a straight light.
Two, there is nothing more useless than the human conscience when it comes to making real spiritual progress. God is larger than the conscience and the conscience is not larger than our small thoughts.
The cycle is sure: when we feel up then we listen to nothing from beneath and when we are under our flaws we shy away from everything from above. We are trying to be perfect creatures of grace instead of imperfect patients of Grace. As the poet says, we have to reconcile.
We have to give in to the idea that we are, today, the best version of ourselves and it is not up to scratch. That our shifts to the left or right and the up and down are as much a part of our spiritual path as breathing is to our physical life. Once we get out of the fragile fantasy we have of ourselves, we can come alive to the reality of who we truly are: creatures made for light, used to the dark and running between them as we experience finite life. We need to reconcile.
We reconcile by accepting this imperfect picture of ourselves. Not that we give up. Not that we say it is all no good. That is just more weakness and death. We instead give in. We let the whole story of love and God in: if we walk into the darkness we’ll be lost and if we stay the light will show our false. Lord, please, show our false.