H,
There is a telling nature to the way time bends now. We are fast approaching those dreaded forties were foolishness and wisdom are supposedly set in stone. What did we do with our roaring twenties?
Being mostly Pentecostal by the time we hit the high notes of having our own agency, we were full of that fire of the moment. We were here to change the world into the image of the one who changes not. We had that hot aired arrogance, the privileged stance of being in step with eternal things and the stupid mask of vanity to crown all we did with a certain veneer of wholeness (or holiness). Of course we were wrong, but we were slowly learning. Perhaps, we are still learning now.
And, in the now we suffer the burden of knowing better. We also struggle with a loss of confidence. We second guess, proscribe our own thoughts, and live in this half-step or non-step of getting through the days without causing too much harm to ourselves and, maybe, others. This is far away from our old self. We are in that cold state. The crushed seed, the smoldering wick, the faltering heart and the hidden frame. God help us. We have turned foolishness into a sort of wisdom.
We have our excuses but none will do. Mine has always been fear. Not fear of anything in particular, but fear itself. When you are afraid of anything then you are afraid of everything. Fear robs us of both the bravery of our own agency and the peace of our own sleep. It is inactivity couched in waiting or cowardice disguised as calculation. It is one of those things, i guess, i have to die to daily. Not with bravado or the fake muscles of the soul, but with honesty and the great walk with God. The walk was were we started. The walk is where we are going back to.
We cannot calculate life in ordinary time. The walk with God will not make sense like that. In that great conversation, the journey from self to true being, there are many quiet spots and dry seasons. There is time for diversions, cock ups, frailty and getting lost in the fields. There is no hurry and there is no final lesson. We are into something eternal and the things that last forever can take all the ordinary time they need.
We are not quite into our forties. There is no need to hurry along like we are catching up. We live in the rest of God, the seventh day of His own glory. Let us remember that, now and always. Let us step our of ordinary time once more. Let’s walk.