H,
There are many times on this journey when we do not feel anything like ourselves.
Or what we imagine ourselves to be. These are times of waiting, hoping, grappling
with decisions and trying to make sense of immediate tragedy. We seem cut off
from the divine and nothing makes sense. Psalms spring to mind. Memorable verses
that speak of illness and broken bones and a soul on fire but little hope at
the end.
In my younger years, I thought of these things called faith as magic. I thought
if I felt off kilter, I simply needed to find the combination of words and
smoke and illusion, and I would be back to the feeling of levity. Now, I know
there is nothing wrong with this feeling. It is more about growth than about
loss. There is a great work that happens in the dark, if we let it.
We do not always do this. It is hard to wait on physical things, so the
wait for some spiritual reaction to how we feel is even more problematic. We find
things to feel the void. It is as ridiculous as if, in that time before time
began, the earth began to form itself before God called out. This is in essence
what we do when we are in the dark. We begin to form our own consolation and it
is not one thing. It would be easy if all we did was drink the pain away. That is
easy to attack. We can form all sorts of things around our need to grow. We can
even fake the growth itself. We can make it about our job, our material
progress, our ‘purpose’, our church, our sense of love or our place in the
world. We can make it about everything except the thing it is really about: growing
and the feeling that we are in the dark. The problem with filling the void is
that we are creating temporary reactions to permanent problems.
We need to trust the process in the dark. There is nothing wrong with waiting,
feeling off or trying to grasp the unfathomable. There is just a better
solution to our ennui on the other side of being. We are not being made into
machines or templates or efforts to prove to a dying world that its version of
success has a Godly upgrade. These things are meant to die. We are here for
that other report. We are here to show the light. The light is not mega churches
and endless riches. It is not beautiful looking people and interesting lives thrown
up as holy spaces. The light is what makes everyone real. It is love. It is
kindness. It is longsuffering. It is hope. It is faith. It is acceptance. It is
peace. We have been told these things are boring. Yet, in this present world,
to live in the light is pure rebellion.