M,
Your greatest fear about love has always been the idea that you are indebted to and dependent upon someone else’s fickle emotions. Beyond the debt that you want to avoid is the panic of that gift being withdrawn from you at the whim of another person’s fluctuating feelings. You reflect your own insecurities on the people who dare to love you and you judge their every action and every mood to mean that the love has come to an end.
It is an unhealthy and unforgiving way to go through life so be merciful to yourself and your loved ones. But beyond that, know that there is a love that exists for you without condition. A love so encompassing that nothing you can do can separate you from of it. A love so pure it was sealed by a sacrifice of divinity made flesh. Nothing is asked of you in return for this love and even if you brought everything you owned as an exchange, it could never be enough. It is a love that knows you intimately. This love knows the deepest darkest secrets you have hidden from the world. It knows all of your desires. It sees your fear and your joy, your strength and your sadness. It sees you when you cannot get up and when you cannot be put down. It knows your bliss, your hopes, your concerns, your shame. You need not fear losing it. It is ever present in your life. All you need do is embrace it, embrace Him.
The best part about coming to know God was the realisation that my joy is His joy and my pain is His pain. I am never alone. I am never abandoned. And no matter what I may think of myself at my lowest, I am always loved.